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November 2006: Successful Stepfamilies
Click on the links below to
go directly to that article.
Steps
for Stepfamilies 
Stepfamilies have unique challenges and opportunities. First, let’s briefly
review the developmental stages of a stepfamily system and examine moving
from some unrealistic to realistic expectations for the stepfamily (as
described by Elizabeth Einstein and Linda Albert in one resource for this
month Strengthening Your Stepfamily).
Developmental Stages of the Stepfamily
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Fantasy – At
the beginning of the stepfamily’s life there can be illusions that they
will function together like a traditional family, but eventually this
stage gives way to having to acknowledge that a stepfamily is, indeed, a
different type of family system.
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Confusion –
Typically, the next step of development involves an awakening by everyone
to a sense that all is not rosy. Often, emotions and tensions that aren’t
necessarily understood arise during this time. It becomes critical to
start communicating about feelings as they arise in order to learn from
them and create skills necessary to stabilize the family. Many times, one
or all members of the family either don’t know how to express these
feelings, or they don’t feel it is necessary. The next stage comes as a
result.
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Crazy Time – At
this stage it seems as if everything is emotionally out in the open, but
nothing is getting resolved. It can be a very frightening and
overwhelming time for all. It is critical to understand that this stage
is normal and inevitable in establishing a stepfamily. This stage
requires change, and therein lies hope. This stage takes a lot of
courage and vulnerability to master, but if mastered it leads to the next
stage.
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Stability [Coming Together]
– It is in this stage that
a sense of identity and “us” begins to emerge. The family is still
adaptable and open to change during this stage, but conflict isn’t
typically as daunting as a productive process of conflict resolution is
forming.
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Commitment – In
this last stage, there is a calm and also a sense of choice on each
person’s part. Each member of the family is choosing to be involved in a
healthy way with the others. Emotions are welcome, and there develops a
sense that they can be managed and used to cultivate positive changes for
the family as they are needed.
In the
book Strengthening Your Stepfamily, there is much more valuable
information about this process, including tasks that need to be accomplished
in each stage to move forward well. I strongly recommend this resource this
month.
More
excellent information from the same resource follows:
Moving from Unrealistic to Realistic Expectations for Your Stepfamily
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Unrealistic |
Realistic |
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We
will all love one another. |
Love may or may not develop later. What’s important is to accept and
respect each other.
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Life in our former families won’t matter. |
Differences in our backgrounds will be part of our daily lives. We will
all need to deal with these, and we can all grow because of them.
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We’ll do it better this time around. |
This new family will be neither better nor worse – it will simply be
different.
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We
will and must function smoothly as a family.
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All stepfamilies have difficulties and
differences to work through. |
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Everything will fall quickly into place. |
Becoming a stepfamily takes time;
satisfaction comes from working together to build that family.
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Our children will feel as happy about the remarriage as we do.
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Children will feel confused - both happy and angry about the remarriage. |
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Our children will respond readily to our efforts at discipline.
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Many children, especially teens, will be unwilling to accept authority
from stepparents. |
Resources
Books
Strengthening Your Stepfamily
– Elizabeth Einstein and Linda Albert – Excellent, practical information
with questions and opportunities to work on applying the information to your
family.
The Smart Step-Family
– Ron Deal– Reviewed very
highly by many pre-eminent Christian counselors. Helps couples focus to
build healthy marriages and peaceful families.
Websites
www.successfulstepfamilies.com
– An excellent Christian site by the author Ron Deal (see above) which
contains many excellent resources.
www.focusonthefamily.org – A site always full of
excellent resources from Focus on the Family.
www.familylife.com – Another site with several
ideas, articles, resources and helps from the ministry of the same name.
For
more resources specifically related to divorce recovery from a Christian
perspective, visit
www.divorcecare.com (or
www.dc4k.com for kids).
Help for the Journey
In
closing, I would like to recommend an excellent article dealing with
children of divorce and holiday schedules. It is in the Focus on the
Family November 2006 magazine and the title is “The Holiday Shuffle” by
Summer Bethea. This is an excellent read and might be timely as you begin
your holiday plans.
If you
have questions or concerns about how to strengthen your stepfamily this
holiday season, particularly, please don’t hesitate to call us at
317-575-6500 or visit our website at
www.indyhope.com. We have Christian, licensed
professional counselors who are more than willing to counsel with your
family.
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