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June 2005: Building and Maintaining Healthy Marriages
Click on the links below to go directly to that article.
Hebrews 2:1 states: “For this reason we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away from it.” Clearly, the Lord is aware of the fact that we need to be actively holding onto and apply what we know to be true in order to avoid drifting away from it.
Many couples drift dangerously far away from one another before they are aware of it. Honoring the fact that all relationships are constantly changing takes energy. We must be deliberate in managing that change. Oftentimes it is easier to drift than to speak a need to our spouse that we fear will be misunderstood, discounted, or ignored. Drift can become a default mode when we are overwhelmed by the work it can take to stay closely connected.
There are, however, wonderful possibilities when we are willing to be students of our spouse’s unique characteristics, dreams, and intimacy needs. When we are challenged in our marriage, either by internal stressors in the relationship or by external stressors that make it hard to find time for each other, we can grow weary. We forget the rewards of necessary time and communication and shrink back into our own worlds.
Many of this month’s resources provide new ideas for how to either prevent, or repair from drift in our relationships. It can be as easy as starting a necessary disagreement in a kind manner. Research has found that for marriages to be stable over time there needs to be a ratio of 4:1 times of fun, ease, connection: times of conflict. Conflict is the cost of intimacy. The rewards are great.
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail – John Gottman An overview of Gottman’s research findings over 25 years, this book offers excellent information on what contributes to marital breakdown, stable conflict patterns in relationships and the different biological responses men and women have to conflict.
Before a Bad Goodbye – Tim Clinton This excellent Christian resource highlights the concept of “marital drift” and then offers significant, specific, Biblical ideas on preventing and repairing drift in the marital relationship.
Sacred Marriage – Gary Thomas Both challenging and encouraging, this book addresses the subtitle question – “What if God Designed Marriage to Make us Holy More Than to Make us Happy?” Using the theme that martial challenges draw us into a closer walk with Christ as well as grows us toward Christlikeness, Thomas uses Biblical truth and Christian marital histories for a compelling read.
Love For a Lifetime – James Dobson This is an excellent, easy-to-read primer of typical issues in marriage. It’s a good resource for any couple to read together and discuss, but particularly useful for newly married couples who are wanting to put a strong foundation in place.
Intimate Encounters – David Ferguson Workbook format with a lot of good chapter content. A key point is the need to learn your spouse’s particular intimacy needs and how to meet them, rather than assuming that both spouses have the same emotional needs. Also, it has excellent resources for creating a weekly marital staff meeting to maintain and grow your marriage. Good for any type of relationship – troubled or simply wanting to continue getting better.
Love and Respect – Emerson Eggerichs This powerful new book highlights how to apply the truth of scripture from Ephesians 5. Not only does it cover the mandate for men to love and for women to respect their spouses, but it offers application information that is relevant and vital to assessing and intervening in your relationship.
The Marriage Masterpiece – Jensen Combining a fictional story with nonfiction information, this book forces you to take an eternal perspective about the many ways God has designed your particular marriage to bring Him glory. Inspiring and humbling material.
When Couples Pray Together and The Intimacy Factor – Dave and Jan Stoop An honest testimonial to their life’s journey before and after consistent marital prayer was applied. Definitely backs up the research that less than 2% of Christian couples who pray together on a daily basis (not just dinner table blessings) divorce.
Sacred Sex - Tim Gardner A vital read for any Christian couple struggling with their sexual relationship. Highlights the freedom and deep intimacy the Lord wishes for us to share with our spouse and Him as we enjoy the sexual relationship in marriage.
Other Titles: Always – Gary Smalley, Betsy Holt, Mike Yorkey A compilation of powerful true stories revealing how God restored deeply broken marriages – definitely a source of hope for those overcoming deep marital wounds.
Why Marriage Matters – Glenn Stanton A statistical overview of the many benefits of marital life. Not relationship oriented, but incredibly informative and enlightening.
When Bad Things Happen to Good Relationships and Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts – Less and Leslie Parrott
Safe Haven Marriage: Building a Marriage You Can Come Home To – Sharon Hart Morris
American Association of Christian Counselors Smalley Relationship Center with Dr. Gary Smalley The Center for Family & Marriage Studies
Getting Help… If you are dealing with building and maintaining your marital relationship, the Counseling Center can help you!
The CCATC offers marital counseling services to help you learn about the relationship dynamics that exist in your marriage and to receive support in making changes for growth.
You can call our office at 575-6500 in order to talk with someone and receive more information about the counselors who are available for this work or to set up an initial appointment.
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