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July 2006: Adult Children of Divorce Click on the links below to go directly to that article.
The
Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Years Landmark Study
“Divorce is a cumulative experience. Its impact increases over time and rises to a crescendo in adulthood.”
After studying children of divorce in a longitudinal study over the last 25 years, this is the difficult and unexpected conclusion that Judith Wallerstein has reached and reported in her important book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study. Just at the time when people are typically choosing their spouses, the impact of a family history of divorce can take center stage.
Some interesting dynamics that impact adult romantic relationships for adult children of divorce (ACOD) have been found to include:
1. Living with the fear that disaster is waiting to strike. This is felt particularly when things are going well. In a strange way, happiness increases one’s odds of experiencing loss, so it becomes dangerous to simply feel happy.
2. Increased roles in childhood impact adulthood. Roles that the child took on in the family after the divorce are likely to endure into adulthood and get installed into the adult relationships that person chooses. For example, becoming a caregiver, a feelings-hider, or an at-risk behavior connoisseur all are roles that impact intimacy in marriage and create struggles.
3. Less likely to marry. Hating their childhood experience so badly, they are less likely to marry in the first place. In addition, ACODs are substantially less likely to have children, insuring that another child would not have the possibility of experiencing the same pain of parental divorce.
Two out of three adults in Wallerstein’s study have decided not to have children. “As if in unison they said, ‘No child of mine is going to experience what I went through.’ Their unanimity in saying this was probably the most telling statement about their past” she writes.
4. Increased distrust. ACODs tend to bring a heavy load of distrust to their relationships.
5. Habit of turning off feelings. “One thing you learn very quickly as a child of divorce is that feelings are painful. It’s a lot easier if you can learn to turn them off,” Wallerstein writes.
6. Increased sense of guilt. ACODs are more likely to feel guilty if they do have success in marriage because one or both parents were never able to experience that joy.
7. Anxiety about repeating the family history of divorce can influence the ACOD to leave a relationship at early signs of conflict, rather than working on things because they are convinced at a deep level that it will inevitably end, so they cut their losses early.
8. Higher levels of independence & responsibility. ACODs can be incredibly independent and responsible people due to the increased responsibilities many children of divorce take on in a single parent family. It is also not unusual for children of divorce (typically the oldest child) to get into the role of a “parentified” child, having the custodial parent confide in the child regarding adult struggles. This strongly impacts the adult child’s ability to depend on others as is needed to develop intimacy.
Admittedly, this list is somewhat discouraging. It is important that we understand the struggles in order to equip the ACOD with tools to address these concerns. Some of the resources this month address creating healthy marriages and families in spite of a family history of divorce. I would particularly suggest you read John Trent’s book, Breaking the Cycle of Divorce for specific suggestions and strategies.
As with all hurts and difficulties in life, we know that we serve a God who works in and through us to grow us into His likeness through the midst of life’s trials. It is powerful to explore the difficulties that are more likely present for ACODs. It is more powerful to prayerfully submit those life experiences to God’s almighty healing hand!
Websites Though there are many more web resources for divorce recovery for adults and children, these two sites offer the most specific information for adult children of divorce and how their adult intimate relationships function.
Books Adult Children of Divorce: Breaking the Cycle and Finding Fulfillment in Love Marriage and Family – Edward Beal and Gloria Hochman – These authors emphasize understanding the personal experience of your parents divorce and applying healthy patterns of relating in your adult life.
Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy Love, Trust, and Intimacy – Jeffrey Zimmerman and Elizabeth Thayer – “The first-ever step-by-step guide to teach adult children of divorce how to identify their inherited distrust of relationship and go on to have rich, fulfilling, and last relationships of their own.
Adult Children of Divorced Parents: Making Your Marriage Work – Beverly Rodgers and Tom Rodgers – Written by experienced marriage counselors, this book speaks to issues of trust, security, forgiveness, problem-solving and more.
Breaking the Cycle of Divorce – John Trent – This volume offers “encouragement, insight and tools to equip you to beat the odds” from a Christian perspective.
Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of our Pain – Jen Abbas – Also from a Christian perspective, this resource is highly recommended by prominent Christian authors and speakers.
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study – Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis, Sandra Blakeslee – This book presents compelling information from Wallerstein’s 25 year longitudinal study on children of divorce. Highlighted in our article this month and a must-read for all adult children of divorce.
During the week I researched and wrote this newsletter, I have witnessed and heard the pain of several adults which relates heavily back to their grieving and working through issues related to their parents divorce when they were children. As I write I can instantly think of five adults ages 21 to 45 who are working valiantly to reclaim their ability to relate intimately.
If you know of others who are struggling, please share this newsletter with them. And as always, we are ready at the Counseling Center at the Crossing to connect anyone with a compassionate and caring counselor. Please call us at 317-575-6500, or send a confidential email. God bless you and have a great month!
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