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December 2005:
Holidays and Grief
Click
on the links below to go directly to that article.
Holidays and Grief
Grief
and Christmas are two words that do not seem to go in the same sentence. The
word grief can cause our hearts to feel heavy, our stomachs upset, and a
deep longing to come over us. Christmas, on the other hand, makes us think
of God’s unspeakable love for us, given in the form of an innocent, infant
King. Sometimes in this life, we must acknowledge the full spectrum of
emotions in the same season.
Grieving is hard work and doesn’t follow an easy step-by-step plan. As Henri
Nouwen said, “Another step in turning our mourning into dancing has to do
with not clutching what we have, not trying to reserve a safe place we can
rest in, not trying to choreograph our own or others’ lives, but to
surrender to the God whom we love and want to follow.”
Another
author (Michelle Van Loon, article: “The New Normal” described below)
states: “Transition is a necessary part of the process of living. It’s an
invitation to know at a deeper level the One who waits for us with a
celebration and a promise to wipe away every tear.”
We offer these resources knowing that each journey of grief is unique. One
resource we typically make available to our clients at this time of the year
is reproduced here in its entirety, because the principles are wise, yet
allow room for each person to adapt them into their grieving, rather than
use them like a prescription. May this and the following resources be useful
to you this season.
Handling the Holidays While Grieving*
1. Plan Ahead. Don’t let grief surprise you. Sorrow does change the
holidays whether from death, divorce, having moved, or children growing up
and leaving home. Expect less of yourself, especially during the first
Thanksgiving or Christmas after a loss. Grief is physically fatiguing as
well as emotionally draining, so plan to do less.
2. Talk through the feelings of grief. Cry when you need to. Tears
release pain and will help you get through the day. Seek out others who will
allow you the full range of emotions.
3. Expect the bittersweet. A loved one’s absence will cause pain. Try
to mix this with cherishing those you still have and positive memories of
the past.
4. Find a way to honor the deceased. Rituals or symbolic reminders
can be very healing.
5. Challenge your “all or nothing” thinking. You can feel the loss,
but that does not mean that all of the joy is gone. It is not betrayal of
the deceased to have fun or enjoy a moment of laughter.
6. Reminisce about your loved one if you feel up to it.
7. Make your shopping list ahead of time. When you have a good day,
do the shopping.
8. Rethink and be flexible. Start new traditions if necessary. Don’t
hold onto the previous traditions as if they were the entire meaning of the
holiday.
9. Stop putting unreasonable pressure on yourself to be happy.
10. Involve yourself in reaching out to others. Extending yourself to
others can help distract you, help you feel needed, and help you take the
focus off your own sorrow.
11. Focus on Emmanuel – God with us. No matter what your loss and the
depth of your pain, God is with you. You may need to remind yourself of this
frequently.
*Used by permission from Pam Ellinger-Dixon, Ph.D., Sawmill Family
Counseling,
Columbus, Ohio.
From Our Bookshelf to Yours
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Tear Soup
– Pat Schwiebert & Church Deklyen – Written in story format with a lot of
resources at the end of the story, this book will be a deep comfort to many.
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Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses – Pam Vredevelt –
“Drawing on timeless Biblical truths, Vredevelt offers practical advice to
help you accept the unchangeable, practice surrender, nurture your body and
spirit, discover the good in every situation, and discover the peace that
comes only from God.” |
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Reluctant Traveler: A Pilgrimage Through Loss and Recovery – Diane
Dempsey Marr – “Loss comes in many forms and its partner—grief—is a stranger
to no one. Yet few people know how to process their pain in a healthy way.” |
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Restore My Soul – Lorraine Peterson – “Restore your soul as you
discover how to face the stunning range of emotions that accompany loss.” |
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Today’s
Christian Woman – Article: “The New Normal” by Michelle Van Loon,
November/December 2005 issue offers counsel on those first difficult
holidays. |
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Web Links
Check out these sites to learn more!
Bereavement.
www.bereavementmag.com –
There are excellent
articles/writings in Bereavement magazine, November/December 1994 (Volume 8,
No. 6).
Grieving Children.
www.grievingchildren.com – This is not necessarily
a Christian resource, but Alan Wofelt has done a lot of research and offers
excellent resources for helping children deal with grief.
Family Life Today.
www.familylifetoday.com – A ministry sponsored by
Campus Crusade and led by Dennis Rainey, this site has several resources for
life, parenting and marriage issues.
Focus on the Family.
www.family.org – This ministry’s website has
several resources for all aspects of Christian living. Search “grief” for
many related articles.
American Association of Christian Counselors.
www.aacc.net – Find resources here related to
ministry, counseling and Christianity.
Getting Help…
God
bless you all in this Christmas Season! If you are needing a safe,
confidential place to help you grieve, particularly during this
family-oriented, tradition-rich, season, please call us at 317-575-6500.
Our professionally trained, Christian counselors wish to offer
compassionate, informed care as you journey through a dark night of grief.
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