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August 2006: Loneliness After Loss Click on the links below to go directly to that article.
“Pain is the difference between what is and what I want it to be.”
This quote from Spencer Johnson’s The Precious Present aptly describes loneliness after death, divorce, natural disaster, or other significant loss. Managing the pain of loneliness takes discipline and perseverance. The spectrum of emotional, spiritual, and physical responses to loneliness range from healthy to dangerous. First, let’s take a look at the potentially harmful responses, and then we will highlight those that lead to growth.
Harmful Responses When we lose something or someone extremely important to us, we first have to work at acknowledging the loss and assimilate it into our life. For many of us, that level of pain is a very difficult place to live. Consequently, some of the most dangerous attempts at coping with the loneliness involve avoiding pain, or doing the opposite and getting mired down in the pain, focusing too intensely on what has been lost.
Attempts at avoidance or escaping the pain are innumerable, but may include:
If we are unwilling to slow down enough to grieve our loss, the loneliness we experience will actually grow rather than diminish as we work to avoid the pain. We won’t be able to have meaningful relationships with the people who are left in our lives if we aren’t able to face ourselves. We must work through our loss and begin life without our loved one.
The opposite end of the unhealthy response spectrum may include:
Whether minimizing the loss or allowing the loss to become so big that it creates persistent hopelessness and depression, we need to approach loneliness with a healthy, balanced response.
Healthy Responses You can have a good response to being lonely. It involves acknowledging your loneliness, integrating the loss into the life and relationships that you have left, taking the initiative to connect meaningfully with others, and ultimately, reaching out to others to be helpful to them.
Some activities and ideas for promoting this positive growth from loneliness include:
There are many suggestions here, but the consistent theme is to work through pain honestly rather than acting as if nothing in your world has changed. Loss changes us one way or another. Choose to direct your pain towards your growth and maturity through this difficult time!
Websites These sites have some of our favorite resources for all kinds of topics, but they have particularly good articles and ideas on dealing with loneliness. Check them out!
Books Dancing Toward the Dawn: Discovering Joy in the Darkness of Loneliness – Tim Hansel. – Tim’s authenticity and charisma are contagious. He draws from his own experience with chronic pain to address and help others better understand God’s purposes in painful experiences.
Facing Loneliness – J. Oswald Sanders – Explores the different varieties and causes of loneliness and then gives excellent counsel on how to address each effectively.
How to Win Over Loneliness – John Haggai – Breaking loneliness down into five different types and then addressing the healing balm for each, Haggai is direct, encouraging and Biblical.
Lonely People: Biblical Lessons on Understanding and Overcoming Loneliness – Warren Wiersbe - Calling loneliness a “malnutrition of the soul,” Wiersbe spotlights the lives of Bible characters to help readers find comfort in God’s presence.
The Naked Soul: God’s Amazing, Everyday Solution to Loneliness – Tim Alan Gardner – Tim is an Indianapolis person who I esteem extremely highly—I know the integrity of Tim’s heart and work. In this volume, learn how to break free from loneliness and be the person God created you to be.
The Path of Loneliness: Finding Your Way Through the Wilderness to God – Elisabeth Elliot – Elisabeth has felt the deep pain of loss, losing two husbands to death. Her focus for healing is on God’s love and care for us.
The Restless Heart – Ronald Rolheiser – Focuses more on the existential loneliness and longing for intimacy with God that all of us struggle with through this pilgrimage to our eternal home.
Loneliness is an opportunity to grow in our intimacy with the Lord and in our compassion for others in pain. In The Restless Heart, Rolheiser says, “Loneliness…is most dangerous when it is not recognized, accepted and worked through creatively.” In addition he states, “Loneliness is a pain, and like every pain we suffer, it must be listened to and dealt with.”
May God give us courage to acknowledge and work through our own loneliness and compassion to reach out to another that we see struggling. If you or anyone you know needs some help in constructively handling loneliness, please don’t hesitate to contact any of us at the Counseling Center at the Crossing at 317-575-6500. We are privileged to have an opportunity to journey with you through the pain of loneliness.
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